Coming Out of a Rut

I could not think of any other way to describe the state I have been in for the past few weeks, the results of which culminated in today’s ultimate lack of productivity.  I apologize to all of my readers, for this sort of perpetual neglect is uncharacteristic of me.  Initially, I felt overwhelmed by the workload of my fall semester – class projects, major essays, and final exams never cease to cause excessive stress. Though I make a conscious effort to retain my healthy eating habits and ensure consistent sleeping patterns, somehow even my best intentions go awry.  The deeper I bury myself into my books, the less I care about supplementing my body with what it truly needs.  After finals ended (resulting in A’s in all of my classes, thank goodness,) I had already found myself loosening the rigidity of my eating habits to indulge in typical holiday feasting.  After allowing myself to partake in Thanksgiving’s many less-than-ideal food options, it was all down hill from there.  Candy bars – hell, why not?  Did I need the sugar?  Sure didn’t.  Not including veggies in all of my meals?  Eh, I didn’t prepare ahead – oh well.  Man, nothing sounds better than a stirred caramel macchiato right now.  I’ll just treat myself this one time.  Oh, Brad wants to grab In and Out after studying?  I did work hard today… I guess a double double wouldn’t hurt.  You get the idea.

These scenarios replayed themselves again and again as the holiday season progressed.  My fridge would become barren, only it would stay that way instead of being replenished as I always did weekly.  My normally prepared meals slowly vanished – no more huge pots of turkey chili, Tupperwares of tuna salad, stacks of pre-cut veggies or bowls of brown rice at the ready.  Heck, I haven’t even had nonfat Greek yogurt (one of my absolute favorite staples) in well over a month!  My budget was ravaged by Christmas shopping – it became increasingly difficult to purchase my normal sources of lean protein and other dietary staples.  This only added to the inclination to reach for something less healthy and more quickly prepared.  In fact, I believe I had Jack in the Box for the first time in months just one week ago.  Blargh!  Needless to say, the chili fries were pure bliss at the moment… it did not take long before that very same bliss turned into regret and guilt the next morning.  There was absolutely nothing nutritional that I gained from a dollar menu chicken burger and an order of chili fries.  Nothing.  Zip.  Zilch.

Spiraling black hole: that’s how horrendous my eating habits have become since I last updated my dear blog.  I have had enough of dwelling in my mistakes and poor choices; most importantly I intend on finding my way back to what I know my body will appreciate both mentally and physically.  Ultimately, the point of this particular blog is to point out that we all fall off track every so often… and some more than others.  The severity ranges tremendously – it might turn your whole world upside down or ruffle your feathers a bit.  In the end, we have the choice of dusting ourselves off, or continue the destructive pattern into a slippery slope.  One ideal that I always stand by is this: if there is a problem, the solution is to fix it.  You’re thinking, well, thank you for advice of the century, Sherlock. But we must realize that what precedes this is much more significant.  One must recognize that there is something wrong before taking the initiative to rectify the problem.  And this brings me to something that has been gnawing at me from the inside: I am sick of allowing these lapses to happen.  I cannot afford to indulge so irresponsibly and so frequently, for a “treat” here and there ultimately adds up over time.  After taking steps to live an active lifestyle, such indulgence undermines the effort that I have put in to ensure a healthy lifestyle.  My body does not deserve that, and neither does my conscience after several pieces of Ghirardelli peppermint bark.

Not surprisingly, my lack of motivation had a domino effect by pervading other aspects of my day-to-day living.  Because I was unmotivated to cook, my body suffered tremendously.  That, paired with lack of physical activity made for a disastrous combination.  I frequently felt sluggish and experienced sudden drops in energy.  My body unceasingly communicates its displeasure by falling victim to sickness, constipation (just being real here), loss of muscle mass, increased acne and a duller complexion.  Even though I am on break at the moment, with my brother in town and my family and friends surrounding me, I felt… odd.  Not like me at all!  I was convinced that something has gone terribly astray, and yet I was unable to pinpoint the exact root of such despondence.  For example, I woke up at noon today, and instead of arising and making a filling breakfast, I laid in bed.  I arose four hours later, greeted by a gradually setting sun and the harrowing feeling of wasting my entire day.  My “breakfast” consisted of one banana, some leftover dim sum and cranberry orange cookies.  Can you say carbs on carbs on carbs?!  Unbelievable!  Needless to say, the massive amount of sugar led me to crash later while attempting to read in a cafe.  I did not run my usual errands and could barely afford to grocery shop, which usually alleviated stress, because money was tight.  I would usually seek consolation through others, but then that exacerbated the realization that my recent relationships with men in particular were beyond unhealthy.  With school, I am supposed to be studying for the GRE, but where the hell do I start?  And before I could stop it, the negativity spread and took over like a plague – relentless, contagious, and destructive.

I am just babbling now…  I could go on, but this post is becoming a bit too depressing!  All in all, I intend on guiding myself back to a state of happiness, progress, and results.  I have mentally recognized the problem, but I discovered the power of solidifying my intentions by way of written word.  Well, folks, here it is: these were my moments of weakness.  I am not afraid of admitting my mistakes or showing you that we are all prone to bouts of weakness every once in a while.  All we can do is live day by day, living and learning from our choices in life.  After all, isn’t this the beauty of our existence?  Learning more about the inner workings of our minds as well as our bodies?

At any rate… please stay tuned for more (positive) blog posts – and this time, I will not disappoint.  Mark my words!

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